We all have them, those tough days when your heart is racing in your chest for seemingly no reason and your teeth hurt because you’ve been clenching your jaw tight. Living with anxiety is not something you just get over. It’s something you have to decide to battle every day in order to reclaim your life. You have to choose to live it, and not just endure it.
I’m in one of those days today and it doesn’t feel like I’m going to come out the other side. I know I will, but right now I’m spiraling and my vision is flickering black and white and I’m hot and tense and if I clench my jaw one more time I might just crack a molar. The only thing distracting me is writing this to get the thoughts spiraling out of my head and onto a page that will hold onto them for me so maybe, just maybe, I can get a little peace today.
It’s easy to talk about being brave on days when you feel brave, on days when everything seems fine and possible. It’s another thing to practice that bravery on days like these when just getting out of bed feels like you’re about to go slay a dragon without any armor, or face a firing squad at point blank range with no blindfold.
Classes started officially on the 16th, but they opened up for review on the 2nd, and the anxiety really started that day. Then there’s the usual fear and anxiety about money–even if I know everything is fine (though tight, as always), I’m still terrified every mid-point of a pay period. I’m trying so hard to practice self care and remind myself that my thoughts and feelings are valid, that it’s okay to want things and to speak up for myself but I feel like I’m just selfish and imposing myself on other people regardless of their feelings or needs.
I’m excited for school, and I think it’s going to be fine, but I feel so stuck and like nothing I do matters right now.
Currently, I’m trying to fill up a notebook with Scriptures that comfort me, and I’m just going to continue reading and repeating them to myself until I feel better.
2 Timothy 1:7